Aunt Antagony passed away three weeks ago after a long, sporadic battle with Busybodyís Disease. She fought hard when she wasnít distracted by heathens or prison guards, but eventually succumbed to the illness, and left us.
We hope quite fiercely that she doesnít return in the Zombie Apocalypse. The danger would be . . . dangerous.
There will be no services, as we haven't even found anyone willing to claim her.
Did you know if you threaten a cafeteria worker with bodily harm you get a week in solitary? Me either. It gave me a lot of time to think, though, so boy was I glad when Renee and Zabet sent in the next round of questions for me.
Dear Aunt Antagony,
Is there any sage advice you can give to a young woman out on her own for the first time?
Scared in Schenectady
Now this is the kind of question I expected to be getting when I offered my services to those girls! Now, for the past few months Iíve really felt that all yíall might be playing a joke on old Aunt Antagony with these questions, so itís really nice to get a good one from time to time. I really feel like I am loved and appreciated here, and thatís good. Sure, Iíve gained the fear and respect of most of the people in my wing of the prison, but deep down, I was really hoping I could help some of you lost souls that are so, well, lost, youíve turned to reading this website. If I can be a shining beacon to just one of you, bring one of you towards the light, I can die a happy woman.
As for sage advice, all I will say is this: If the boss gets a little handsy, donít put up such a fuss like most of these women do now. They complain, but if they were honest with themselves, who would they rather marry? The guy in the mail room? Or the boss.
Good luck, and always be a lady.
Dear Aunt Antagony,
I have been knitting for three years now, and Iíve decided I would like to branch out. Not with knitting, but in my sex life. Can you recommend a good non-latex based body paint? Iím allergic to latex, and last time it got near my lady bits I could barely walk for a week.
Thanks in advance,
Allergic in Albany
You are all assholes.
Have a question? Email Aunt Antagony at firstname.lastname@example.org We will make sure she gets your questions.
I know you've been wondering where I've been, but you wonít believe the time Iíve had since I last wrote. Those dear sweet girls decided they would send me on a cruise! Now I have seen heathens and charlatans and damned hippies all over this great country, but did you know itís even worse in other places? I wonít get into that though. Luckily, I brought plenty of literature with me that I could share with the nonbelievers and I didnít take any slack from none of them when they tried to feed me raw fish. I said to them, ďYou can dress it up and call it sooshee all you want, Manuel, but itís still raw fish and I ainít eatiní it!Ē And so the cook made me some collard greens that were just heavenly (Ďcause they boiled the hell out of em! Get it? Hee! Pardon my language, but thatís just plain funny.)
Anyway, I guess there was some kind of mix up, because those girls (probably too busy worshippiní trees or some crap like that) forgot to get me a return flight, so I was stuck down there in the islands for awhile, until I found some nice people who were willing to let me on their boat. I guess they were hunters or something, because we stopped at a lot of different places delivering boxes, and they always had really big guns with them. I asked what was in the boxes and they said it was nose candy, which seemed odd to me, but I guess those island people just are backwards sometimes.
All was well and good, until one day all the hunters jumped into the ocean, and I thought they were going swimming, but then I saw the siren on a boat that was coming right at us, and they were yelliní something about standing down, which I donít know how to stand down, only how to stand up, so I just sat there, and when they got there, they started looking for all the hunters, but they were all gone.
So long story short, I have what they call ďbitchesĒ back over in the cell block. They keep offering to get me some cigarettes and ďshivĒ people, but I donít smoke, and shaving another woman is just plain unhealthy. Something those Lebanese do, and Iím not having a part in that. Renee and Zabet were kind enough to send me some of the reader questions, which Iíll answer before lights out. We arenít allowed to have pens after lights out since Cheryl slipped and fell on hers thirty-seven times. Bless her heart.
Dear Aunt Antagony,
I found myself in a very confused place. I see the different patterns and stitches that you guys at "The Anticraft" have come up with and posted on your website, and as many people would see them as beautiful works of art, I see them as much, much more.
I am not real for sure exactly what you would call it, but I have this deep, almost dark passionate love for your creations. When I mean love, I mean not so much the love that a grandmother would have for her grandchild, but more of a "I hope no one comes in here while I am doing this" kind of love. Some would call it disturbing, I however call it beautiful. Should I be ashamed of this love? Please help me Aunt Antagony!
Turned on by Tunics in Toledo
Yes. You should be very ashamed. The Lord watches everything you do, and there isnít enough bleach in heaven to scrub his holy eyeballs after doing whatever it is you might be referring to. But Iím SURE I would know nothing about that, because I am a lady. You should consider getting some help. Or perhaps a lobotomy. I had a friend in high school who had a problem with self-abuse in that way, and they just drilled a little hole in his head and fixed him up right proper. He pushes a broom out at the Burger King now, but thatís just because they finally built one there. He'd been sweeping for awhile, bless his heart. Itís a paycheck though, and if youíre doing the dirty to sweaters Iím betting youíre still living at home in your motherís basement and . . . well . . . I donít even want to think about it.
I hope you change your ways before rapture, but honestly, I donít think thereís enough time in the world. You are sick.
Dear Aunt Antagony,
I have been informed many times that I am going to Hell. Should I go
in a hatbox, a handbag, or a handbasket? Should a young lady wear
gloves for this excusion, and if so what color?
Well, I suppose a handbasket would be traditional . . .
You know, I tried to be the cool Auntie for a second there, and itís just not right. The nerve of you kids today just really fires me up! I mean really! You donít go to church. You donít take care of your responsibilities. You just sit around and make crafts and make jokes about damnation. Oh, when you get there, it sure wonít be funny then, now will it, missy? No it certainly will not. And Iíll be up in Heaven, one of Godís Army, laughing my rear end off.
And the idea that young women donít wear gloves any more is just obscene to me. Of course you should wear gloves for this, and any excursion, and maybe there will be some mercy for your eternal soul if you could for just one second show a bit of dignity.
To send your questions to Aunt Antagony, please email her at Aunt.Antagony@gmail.com.
Note from Zabet and Renee:
We were as surprised as anyone to learn that we are, in fact, related. When we first learned, we were decidedly shocked. How could two people from such different backgrounds be related? Was the world spinning out of control? Did this mean our plans for a common-law partnership were gone? Who would get our tax break if we couldnít?
But when we met Aunt Antagony, we knew we had nothing to fear, except maybe her. Auntie is a dear, sweet woman. Scratch that. She has a very distinct personality, thatís for sure. Itís been a few months since we had our first reunion with her, and since then, weíve talked on the phone with her every day, five or six times a day, each. With all the loving advice sheís given us, weíve decided that she has too, we mean, so much time to give us, and a telephone. A better outlet for her, is of course the internet.
So without further adieu, way me present Aunt Antagonyís Advice to AntiCrafters... she means well.
Dear AntiCraft staff:
I really enjoy your patterns and I feel that your designs have really helped me express myself. My concern is that I have received a lot of stares in church and I was wondering if Jesus would approve of these designs? Have you somehow led me down a DARK PATH?
Possibly Damned in Alabama
First off, I want to thank Renee and Zabet for letting me be a part of their little website. Those girls need direction, and I think this may be the only way they will get it. What is it with you kids that you think you can learn anything from the internets? Why I have half a mind to turn both of them over my knee, but we all know not either one of them know when to push the plate away.
Now onto your question: Now let me get something straight right now. I donít look at that stuff because one time Zabet showed me the website and there was a man's private parts up there on the screen and I just donít think thatís right, so I donít look at that stuff. But Jesus invented all that stuff, so I donít think he's got too much right to complain, but I guess he can if he wants, what with being the Lord and all that.
My advice is to do what you want. Everyone in Alabama is going to hell anyway.