And the winner is...!
We sat in front of Ne’s laptop for an entire hour and a half, our asses numbing and eyes bleeding. We were completely prepared to systematically evaluate and rank entries–no scribbled points on the back of napkins for us! (We used the back of an envelope. And a giant novelty pen.)
We rated each of the nine required items on a scale of 1 to 5, then added up to find a score out of 45 possible points. The person with the highest score was deemed the winner. Extra points were given or taken away based on our whims: attractiveness of models, organization or lack thereof, use of animals or fungi, sheer cheek, etc. Scoring each part separately means folks who weren’t strong in one area could make up for it in another.
You can read the complete rules below, if you like.
Without further ado—Pickles' winning entry! (With commentary!)
- Craft any kind of skull in any kind of medium.
Zabet: They’re pink!
Renée: But skulls!
Zabet: But pink!
Renée: Screw you, they’re awesome!
- Create an awesome costume. (No store-bought stuff!)
Be sure to tell us what your costume is so we can figure out if we're guessing correctly. You already did this at Halloween, right? No? So get a jump on next year.
Zabet: What is that, a cheerleader-biker?
Renée: A "cross-dressing motorcycler."
Zabet: Well, points for clarity, at least.
- Make a toilet paper cosy that you might actually not be embarrassed for guests to see.
Renée: Finally, a cosy that doesn’t suck.
Zabet: Even if you don’t get the J-geek reference to Domokun, you have to admit that a toilet paper roll coming to eat you is pretty damn awesome.
Take a photo or create an image to illustrate the following words:
Renée: Brains made of meat, more popularly known as meatbrains!
Zabet: I’m hard pressed to find much of anything that’s creepier than meatbrains.
Zabet: The ubiquitous stash shot.
Renée: We are unimpressed
Renée: WTF doorknobs?
Zabet: Hey, I’m the only one allowed to make bad puns.
Renée: But doorknobs?
Answer the following questions fully to the best of your knowledge.
- Can you nail Conversation Heart candies hearts to meat? Why or why not?
Of course not, silly. You have to screw them!
Renée: Ok, she gets it right that you can’t nail them.
Zabet: It could be a little more thought out, but points for cheek!
- What is the sound of one hand clapping? Provide visual evidence to support your explanation.
The sound of one hand clapping is half a cookie. Half a cookie is equal to half a glass of milk, which, in turn, is equal to half a glass of water. Half a glass of water is either half full or half empty, and the other half is nothing. Half of nothing is the same as all of nothing, which is the sound that one hand makes. Therefore, half a cookie is the sound of one hand clapping!
Zabet: Ohmigod, I think I just had a Zengasm.
Renée: Wait, let me start that over... Woah, it actually makes a crazy kind of sense.
Zabet: I’m just happy it doesn’t say “fwip” or “fwap” anywhere in there.
Renée: Now I want some cookies.
- How could drops of water know themselves to has a bucket?
Drops of water know themselves to has a bucket because they tell one another. Like a large game of telephone. And since they don't have vocal cords, they use their hydrogen bonds to tap out a Morse code. That way it doesn't get all screwed up. If you listen very carefully, you could hear them, but you would have to stick your head in the bucket. And listen for a long time. So, unless you are a zombie bobbing for apples...
Renée: She got the grammar right! It lacks a certain metaphysical slant, but whatever.
Renée: Points for zombies, for realz.
Zabet: I can has brains?
We have to give a shout out to Pauline for creeping us both out with the shot of her kid in the cemetery, scoring her the only 6 (out of a possible five) in the entire contest. It was so creepy, in fact, that we won’t reproduce it here for fear of bringing bad mojo down on her family.
Heather did the best visualization of “craft” as a Cthulu-thing bursting forth from one’s forehead. We couldn’t agree more.
Can you nail Conversation Hearts to meat?
We bow again to Heather for her excellently detailed essay on how one might be able, with very thorough preparation and planning and a dental drill, nail Conversation Hearts to meat. The best laid plans always involve a dental drill.
1. By entering this contest you hereby swear, aver, and affirm that all answers submitted are your own original work. Only one entry is allowed per person. Team entries are allowed, but there is still only one Grand Prize and the team is responsible for dividing it amongst itself.
2. By entering this contest you allow The AntiCraft to use any of your answers (be they image, video, audio, or text) and your name and/or likeness in promotional materials.
3. All entries must be time stamped on or before 11:59pm EST November 25, 2007 and received in the firstname.lastname@example.org inbox. Entries received at other AntiCraft email addresses will not be considered. We recommend large files (20MB or higher) be sent via YouSendIt.com or some similar service to prevent your entry from bouncing. Incomplete or bounced entries will not be considered.
4. The Grand Prize consists of multiple craft-related supplies and accessories valued at approximately U.S. $150 and will be shipped to the winner wherever he or she resides at no cost to the winner. We won't tell you exactly what because we don't want to ruin the surprise.
5. A winner will be notified via email on or before November 30, 2007. Should the winner not respond to our email notification and request for a shipping address by 11:59 p.m. EST December 7, 2007, a new winner will be chosen.
6. The winner may be responsible for taxes according to local income laws. It is the winner's responsibility to report his or her winnings and pay such taxes, if any.
7. AntiCraft Staff and their immediate family are not eligible.