Zabet Stewart (photo)
click to enlarge

Baconiel

And lo, Baconiel, the Bacon Angel of the Lord, came upon them in the fields by night and brought them great tidings of joy.... And one shepherd said to another as they prepared to depart for Bethlehem, "Well, crap, there's one more meat we can't eat now! Why does God have to screw with our diet so much?"

by Zabet Stewart and Raellyn Hatter

Suggested Reading

The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore

Difficulty

Rrrrgh . . . . Burns . . . .
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Finished Measurements

6"/15cm H, your mileage may vary.

Materials

• Irish bacon (back bacon, but not Canadian bacon), 2 pieces
• low-fat (center cut) bacon, 2-3 pieces
• bacon (rashers), 4-6 pieces
• 20 gauge wire
• 500ml Erlenmeyer flask (or other oven-proof, cone-shaped object)
• aluminium foil
• Teflon-coated aluminium foil or non-stick cooking spray
• baking sheet
• wooden toothpicks
• round-nose pliers
• tweezers

Design Notes

Bacon is cooked at a low temperature to minimize shrinkage and help keep the crafter from burning the piece in progress. Our artistic vision for this is that it is ephemeral and entirely edible, but if you want your angel to last longer you might need to employ some hot glue during assembly and some kind of meat sealant.

Directions

Arrange oven racks so that the Erlenmeyer flask can comfortably stand up. Preheat oven to 350ºF (175ºC). Line the baking sheet with Teflon-coated foil or spray with non-stick cooking spray. (If using cooking spray, try to leave an area as big as the footprint of the Erlenmeyer flask unsprayed to help avoid sliding accidents later.)

Body:

Zabet Stewart (photo)
click image to enlarge

Prepare Erlenmeyer flask by wrapping the cone and neck in aluminium foil. If your flask has a lip at the top of the neck, you may need to use foil to build up the width of the neck to match the width of the lip. This will prevent the bacon from shrinking down too small to be removed from the flask.

Starting where the neck meets the cone, begin wrapping the cone with overlapping slices of bacon. Secure last slice of bacon with a half a wooden toothpick. (Half a toothpick because you might not be able to get it out later, and this makes it less noticeable.) Place on a baking sheet and set aside while preparing the rest of the angel parts.

Head:

Loosely crumple a piece of aluminium foil into a ball 1.5"-2" (4-5cm) in diameter. Cover it with another sheet of aluminium foil so that it is reasonably smooth. Wrap with low-fat bacon to form a sphere (leave at least one hole so you can later remove the foil). Secure with several wooden toothpicks sticking straight in (think Pinhead). Place head onto baking sheet with flask.

Wings:

Zabet Stewart (photo)
click image to enlarge

Cut two pieces of wire each 12" (30cm) long. Use round-nose pliers to place an anchor loop at one end of each length of wire. Lay the Irish bacon down on a flat surface as if they were a pair of wings and arrange them (tilt, etc.) to your liking. Thread the wire through the arch of wing on each piece of bacon. The anchor loop will be at the outsides and the long ends will be at the inside. Place Irish bacon wings onto baking sheet with head and flask.

Cook:

Put all body parts into the oven and cook until bacon slices are crispy, about 25 minutes. Continue cooking wings to desired crispiness.

Assembly:

Zabet Stewart (photo)
click image to enlarge

Let body parts cool.

Slide the bacon body off the Erlenmeyer flask. If your body has shrunk too far to be comfortably removed, use small scissors or a sharp knife to cut a slit at the top so that you can pull the neck of the body apart a bit and ease it over the neck of the Erlenmeyer flask.

Hold the wings next to the body and determine how much wire is really extra. Bend this wire back upon itself to form a T shape at the end of each length of wire. Scrunch the T into a lowercase L to pass the wires through the neck hole of the body. Extend the T out again once the wire is in place. The right wing's T should rest on the inside of the left half of the body and viceversa for the left wing's T.

With tweezers and patience, remove foil from inside the head piece. Use a grasp-and-twist technique on little bits at a time to compact the foil and tear it from the larger ball. Place it upon the neck hole.

Light a candle nearby and receive the blessings of Baconiel!

About

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Edited by Zabet Stewart, Carin Huber, and Raellyn Hatter