Peter Jensen (photo)
(click image to enlarge)

Beanis

It's a beanie! It's a penis! No it's a Beanis!

A long time ago, the guy I was dating asked if I would make him a set of cock and balls. I guess he was inspired after he saw me make a sock monkey.

Fast-forward about 4 years:

Mom: What are you making?
Sally: You don't want to know.
Mom: Why not?
Sally: You just don't.
Mom: It looks like a little hat.
Sally: It's not.
Mom: Why are you using your good sock yarn?
Sally: Because it's the color I wanted.
Mom: Does it have to do with the Longhorns*?

Horrify your mom, amuse your knitting/crochet circle, delight your boyfriend and baffle everyone else by making a Beanis of your very own.

[*Editrix's note: The Longhorns are the University of Texas' sports teams, the most popular of which is probably (American) football.]

by Sally Villarreal

Suggested Listening

"Detachable Penis"
Happy Hour
by King Missile

Difficulty

Loose Woman
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Finished Measurements

Mine was ~11" from the head of the shaft to the end of the testicles. The shaft was ~5.25" in circumference.

Of course, you can make the shaft as long as you want. You can also throw caution (and gauge) to the wind, use thicker yarn and a larger hook and get a bigger one.

Materials

• One 50-gram ball of sock yarn (fingering weight).
  I used Patons Kroy Socks in Orangina, but choose a color to match the skin tone you want, or for surrealism, try self-striping sock yarn.
• Size 1 steel crochet hook or size needed to obtain gauge
• Tapestry needle
• Plastic pellets, the kind used in beanie-type stuffed animals
• Scissors for snipping yarn

Gauge

7 USsc to an inch

Pattern Notes

The beanis is crocheted from the head of the penis up. An extra flap (or "taint" covers the opening of the testicles. The testicles are made separately.

All instructions use US crochet abbreviations.

Abbreviations

Ch chain
Sl st slip stitch
Sc single crochet US (same as double crochet UK)
Dc double crochet US (same as treble crochet UK)
Hdc half double crochet US (same as half treble crochet UK)
Trc tripple crochet US (same as double treble crochet UK)
() parentheses indicate a section to be repeated

Directions

Shaft (starting at the tip of the glans):

Rnd 1: ch 2, 6 sc in second ch from hook, Place marker on the first stitch (6 sts.)
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around (12 sts)
Rnd 3: sc in each sc around
Rnd 4: (1 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (18 sts)
Rnd 5: sc in each sc around
Rnd 6: sc in next sc (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc) 5 times, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc (24 sts)
Rnd 7: sc in each sc around
Rnd 8: (sc in next 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (30 sts)
Rnd 9: sc in each sc around
Rnd 10: sc in next 2 sc (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc) 5 times, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc (36 sts)
Rnds 11 and 12: sc in each sc around
Rnd 13: (sc in next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (42 sts)
Rnds 14 and 15: sc in each sc around
Rnd 16: sc in next 3 sc (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 6 sc) 5 times, 2sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc (48 sts)
Rnd 17: The next part is a bit weird. Turn the tip of the penis inside out and work in the backs of the stitches. (You will be crocheting in the opposite direction) Sc 3 sts tog around (16 sts)
Rnd 18: Turn the tip back so everything is right side out again. 2 sc in each sc around. (You will be changing directions again, going back in the normal direction) (32 sts)
Rnd 19: sl st to first st of round. Sc in each sc around.

Continue to sc in each sc around until the shaft is 8 inches long, or the length you desire. Do not break the yarn or turn work, but continue to work the "taint."

"Taint" (for lack of a better term):

Row 1: sl st in the first st of the next round. Turn the work. Sc in the next 18 sc (18 sts)
Rows 2-6: turn, ch1, sc in each sc across.
Break yarn and end.

Testicles (make 2):

Rnd 1: ch 2, 6 sc in second ch from hook, Place marker on the first stitch (6 sts.)
Rnd 2: 2 sc in each sc around (12 sts)
Rnd 3: (1 sc in next sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (18 sts)
Rnd 4: sc in next sc (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc) 5 times, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc (24 sts)
Rnd 5: sc in each sc around
Rnd 6: (sc in next 3 sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (30 sts)
Rnd 7: sc in each sc around
Rnd 8: sc in next 2 sc (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc) 5 times, 2 sc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc (36 sts)
Rnd 9: sc in each sc around
Rnd 10: (sc in next 5 sc, 2 sc in next sc) around (42 sts)
Rnds11-14: sc in each sc around
Rnd 15: (sc2tog, sc in next 5 sc) around (36 sts)
Rnd 16: sc in each sc around
Rnd 17: sc in next 2 sc, (sc2tog, sc in next 4 sc) 5 times, sc2tog, sc in next 2 sc (30sts)
Rnd 18: sc in each sc around
Rnd 19: (sc2tog, sc in next 3 sc) around (24 sts)
Rnd 20: sc in each sc around
Rnd 21: sc in next sc, (sc2tog, sc in next 2 sc) 5 times, sc2tog, sc in next sc. Sl st to the first st of the next round. Break yarn and end.

Finishing:

Put the openings of the testicles together. With a tapestry needle, sew 6 sts on the last round of each testicle together. When you look at the from the top, the last rounds should look like the number 8.

Fill the most of the shaft and testicles with plastic pellets. Then (being careful not to spill the pellets) sew the testicles to the shaft. Start by sewing the edge of the taint to the opening of the testicles (the taint should act as a flap covering the tops of the testicles) and sew around, attaching the edges of the testicles to the edges of the taint and top of the shaft.

Before you close add more plastic pellets. Use a funnel (you can make one out of paper and then cut off the tip.) Remember to overstuff. The pellets will settle, so put more than you think you need.

Once you make it all the way around, tie a knot and thread the end of the yarn through the beanis to hide it. All the yarn ends should be hidden inside the beanis. If for some reason they are not, use a tapestry needle to thread them inside the beanis.

Now you're ready to play with your penis!

Variations:

For an uncircumcised beanis, skip rounds 11-18 in the Shaft directions and just single crochet around until it is the length you want.

For the Lance Armstrong/Tom Green cancer tribute, make only one testicle.

For hairy balls, add fringe to the testicles, or strand along some fuzzy novelty yarn while making them.

About

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