Zabet Stewart (photo)
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The Snatchel

You may have heard this before.

"I knit a snatchel. No, I didn't mispronounce it. It's not a satchel, it is a snatchel. Those of you with dirty minds already have an inkling of what kind of item this is. Have the rest of you caught up yet? Think about it: snatch-el. Ah, now you get it. I can't take credit for the clever name, however, that was Erik, from our Stitch 'n Bitch. I had called it something uninspired and utilitarian like Vagina Bag or Vulva Purse. Thank the Universe for Erik. There's nothing worse than a utilitarian vulva."

She may not be pretty, but she's mine.

by Zabet Stewart

Suggested Listening

Smell the Magic
by L7

Difficulty

Strong Intermediate
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Finished Measurements

~6" W (including applied icords) and ~9" H (not including fallopian tubes and strap)

Materials

• 1 skein worsted weight wool, any red color
• 1 skein mohair, any pinkish red color
• 10 yd of eyelash yarn in color suitable for pubic hair (optional)
• 5 yd of worsted weight wool, in any dark red/orange color
• 2 yd length of leftover novelty yarns in pinks, reds, and oranges
• 8" US 6 dpns (or suitable circulars) for knitting (or whatever size gives you gauge)
• 2 sets of US 6 or 7 dpns for turkish cast-on
• 1 US G (4mm) crochet hook
• 1 US H (5mm) crochet hook
• stitch markers
• tapestry needle
• 1 pea-sized bead with a hole drilled through it

Gauge

20 sts x 26 rows = 4"

Directions

Uterus:

CO 50 sts using the turkish cast-on method. (I learned how from the Fall 2005 issue of Vogue Knitting, but you can also find good tutorials on the web.)

Mark beginning of round and knit 37 rounds in stockinette stitch.

Showing the Drawstring Os
click image to enlarge

Cervix and Os:

Knit a round of eyelets using *k2tog, yo* for one round.

Knit the next round.

Vagina:

Knit several inches in 1x1 ribbing by *k1, p1* for 25 rounds.

Here's where some variation might come in. My snatchel is more about anatomical correctness than prettiness, so when I wear it like a purse, the vagina flops over onto one side because of the weight of the vulva. Obviously, a woman's sex organs are not meant to be dragged around upside down! If you want a perkier snatchel, knit only 10 rounds of ribbing for the vagina instead of 25, but I warn you, you are selling yourself short.

Split Wet Beaver!
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Labia Majora (Outer Lips)

Knit five rounds in stockinette stitch and the bind off all sts. This little bit will curl back on itself so that the reverse side is actually the Labia Majora.

Labia Minora (Inner Lips):

On the WS (inside) of the Snatchel, look for where the Vagina becomes the Labia Majora. On the first row of purl sts in the Labia Majora section, use the smaller crochet hook and the 5 yd strand of dark red/orange yarn to single crochet the Labia Minora.

Now, Labia Minora vary greatly from woman to woman. I did a single round of single crochet and randomly placed 1 or 2 chain sts in between the single crochets as I went around. This gave my Labia Minora a ruffled, irregular look. If you want your Labia Minora to protrude past the Labia Majora, as women's do, you might want to try 2 or 3 rounds of single crochet. If this is the case, I recommend only adding random extra chain stitches on the top row.

Clitoris:

You now have a vulva attached to your sex organs, so it's time to add a clit. Lay the Snatchel flat. Look at the vulva end and decide which side you want to be "this way up." Using matching or invisible regular thread or elastic thread, attach the bead you chose just above where the Labia Minora are joined to the Labia Majora. It should be nestle in the right- or left-hand crease when the Snatchel is laid flat. If you are feeling industrious, you might want to crochet a little hood for it. My Snatchel has a relatively large clit and is in a constant state of arousal, so I didn't add a hood (it's pulled back, hiding, as it likes to do when a woman gets turned on).

Fallopian Tubes:

It's not all about the vulva! Holding the red yarn you used for the Uterus and Vagina together with a strand of mohair, knit 5-6 inches of 3 stitch i-cord (count the rows you do because you will want to make sure the second Fallopian Tube is the same length). Don't bind off. When you are happy with your Fallopian Tube length, start applying to the bottom right corner of the uterus and apply it up the side until the row before the eyelet row. (You will be working from the bottom up.)

Directions on how to knit i-cord and how to apply i-cord are available from http://www.knittinghelp.com. Go to the Basic Techniques page and scroll down almost to the bottom. Directions can also be found elsewhere online, just search for "applied i-cord" or "applied icord".

Don't bind of yet - this Fallopian Tube is going to be your purse strap. Continue knitting i-cord until it is the length you want. I made mine about 48" long because I wanted to be able to wear it slung across my chest with the Snatchel hitting at my hip.

When you finally have enough i-cord for the strap, begin applying the i-cord to the left side of the Snatchel just under the eyelet row. (You will be working from the top down.) Continue until you hit the bottom left corner of the uterus.

Once you have finished applying the i-cord to the left side of uterus, knit the same number of rows on the i-cord as you did above ("knit 5-6 inches, count the rows"). Bind off when you are done.

Fallopian Tassels
click image to enlarge

To finish the Fallopian Tubes, you need to add the feathery fingers that caress the ovaries and gather the eggs. Use the oddments of novelty yarns to make two tassels and attach them to the i-cord ends. Length of the tassels is up to you, but I used sections of yarn about 4" long, so my tassels are about 2" long.

The Ultimate Question:

Full bush, landing strip, or Brazilian? Only you can answer this. My Snatchel is au naturale with full, black, curly pubic hair glory. It's a bit of a stark contrast; you may not want to use black. If you don't want pubic hair at all, skip this step - you're done and it's time for finishing.

To add full-on pubic hair, pick up a round stitches on the RS (outside) at the top of the ribbing (before the stockinette stich for the Labia Majora) and purl 4 rounds. (Yes, purling in the round. Anathema! Abomination! Unclean! Shut up and do it.) Bind off and you're done.

To add "landing strip" pubic hair, pick up a 1/4 of a round of stitches centered on the clitoris and work in reverse stockinette for 4 rows. Bind off and you're done.

Finishing:

With the larger crochet hook and red yarn you used in the Uterus/Vagina of the Snatchel, chain a drawstring and thread it through the eyelets. Length can be anywhere from 12" to as long as you want it to be. Feel free to add beads and sparklies to the ends of the drawstring if you like. Pull it shut and tie it to keep your valuables inside

Weave in all ends, then take her out for a nice dinner.

Craft Challenge:

Knit, crochet, or sew a fetus coin purse to be attached to the Snatchel by umbilical cord. Send in a picture of your completed project to submit@theanticraft.com and the winning entry will have their pattern published plus receive a contraceptive/safe sex gift pack! Entries are due no later than March 15, 2007, and we reserve the right to post any entrant's project pic on our blog.

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