Zabet Stewart (photo)
click image to enlarge

Original Pie Pie

I had a dream. In it was a pie. When I woke up, I knew I had to try to make the pie. The power of pie compelled me.

I made it for my wife. She made noises that you usually only hear from Heather Graham on roller skates in the movies. She then told all her friends about it. "It was so good he got laid," she said. (And I did.)

I made another for her to share. "This is the pie?" a friend asked, taking a bite. There was a long pause while her eyes rolled back in her head, then she moaned, "Oh God... do him once for me!" My wife smiled.

by Patrick Logan

Suggested Listening/Watching

"First of May" [nsfw]
by Jonathan Coulton (music)
and Mike "Spiff" Booth (video)

Difficulty

Rrrrgh . . . . Brains . . . .
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Recipe Notes

The only bad thing about this pie is just the amount of time it takes to prepare. You'll probably want to make it one day ahead of time.

Ingredients

• 2 chocolate cookie crumb readymade pie crusts
• 1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
• 2 14-ounce cans sweetened condensed milk, divided
• 3/4 cup peanut butter, smooth or crunchy
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 pint heavy whipping cream, divided (or 1 tub whipped topping)
• 1 teaspoon sugar (not needed if you are using whipped topping)
• 2 ounces semisweet chocolate

Directions

Caramelize:

Remove the label from one can of sweetened condensed milk. Put the can in a pot big enough to cover it with water. Bring the water to a rolling boil. Boil the can for three and a half hours, turning it over every fifteen minutes to half hour. Make sure that the can is always submerged in the boiling water - add more water if necessary (bring it to a boil in a tea kettle before adding it or you will affect the caramelization process). After three and a half hours drain the water out of the pot, and let the can cool for one hour.

Meanwhile:

While the can of caramelized milk is cooling, make your whipped cream. (You know it's so much better than whipped topping. You know it. C'mon, man, just do it.) In a large bowl, beat the cream and sugar until stiff peaks form and set aside, being careful not to over-whip because you'll end up with butter. In another large bowl, beat softened cream cheese until fluffy. Add the other can of sweetened condensed milk and peanut butter and beat until smooth. Mix in vanilla. Fold in 1/2 cup whipped cream or whipped topping; save the rest for garnish.

Back to the Caramel:

Open the can of caramel. Be extra careful while doing this as the caramel has a tendency to be very excited about leaving its prison, and the last thing you want is to get your fingers in something that will latch on and burn. Spread caramel into both crusts with the back of a spoon or a spatula, filling between 1/8 and 1/4 of the crusts. You will likely have some left over. You could just add it to the pies, but do so with caution because it is painfully supersweet. Divide the peanut butter mixture evenly between crusts.

Decoration:

Break apart chocolate and put into a small plastic baggie. Microwave on low (aka Defrost or 50% power) for 15 seconds at a time, turning it over, until melted. Be careful not to overcook and burn your chocolate! When it is all melted, squish it towards one bottom corner of the plastic baggie and use scissors to cut off just the very tip of the corner. (Think a hole just larger than 2 pinholes side by side.) Squeeze bag to put chocolate on top in any design you like – I simply went side to side and then up and down for a lattice effect.

Add extra whipped cream/whipped topping around edge. Chill 2-4 hours until set or overnight.

Serves 6-8

About

contact Patrick • legal info