Danger Soup

This soup hails from my family in the Deep South where the guns are loaded, the hurricanes are near, the racial tension is high, and the dogs are Catahoula Leopards. I dare you to say anything about it.

by Heather "Danger" Hard
("Double H" to her friends)

Difficulty

Rrrrgh . . . . Brains . . . .
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Ingredients

• 1 helmet
• 1 pair of kneepads
• 1 pair of elbowpads
• 1 pair of safety glasses
• 1 bag of corks
• 4 lbs tomatoes
• 2 small or 1 large cucumber
• 2 small or 1 large onion
• carrots, celery, zucchini, or whatever vegetables are rotting in the fridge
• 4 cups chicken or vegetable broth
• 2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp dried thyme
• garnish of your choice: shredded cheese or fresh chives, parsley, or basil

Directions

Warning, danger ahead!

First, suit up in your protective gear. If your kitchen it not already baby- or cat-proofed, take a minute to do so. Place corks on the ends of all forks and knives for extra protection.

Loosen skins from tomatoes by immersing them individually into a pot of boiling water for about 5 seconds (slightly longer if they've been kept in the fridge).

Danger! Peel skins off tomatoes and burn your fingers. (Alternatively, plunge boiled tomatoes into a bowl of ice water and then peel.) Discard skins.

Danger! Chop tomatoes and other vegetables roughly. If you are making vegetarian soup, remember that bleeding on your vegetables or adding fingertips to the pot will render you efforts useless.

In a large stock pot, combine chopped vegetables, broth, salt, cayenne, and thyme. Bring to a boil, then lower heat to a simmer. Simmer until all vegetables are soft (about 30 minutes), and then it's time for more danger!

Strain chunky bits from soup, either the slow and safe with a slotted spoon or the quick and scalding way with a colander. Reserve liquid and return it to the stock pot if it's not already in there.

Danger! Puree chunky veggies in a blender and add them back to the stock pot. Do not fill blender more than half full, as hot food + blender = forceful exothermic reactions (i.e., it explodes, stupid), which leads to painful and difficult-to-explain-in-the-ER burns. Return pureed goo to stockpot. Continue until your desired chunky-to-smooth ratio is reached.

To put yourself in danger of a cardiovascular event, stir in 1 cup of heavy whipping cream and let simmer another three minutes. Remove protective gear, garnish, and serve.

About

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