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nuclear family > asphyxiation > excruciatingly painful party lights >
old reliable > danger soup > this cosy is da bomb
Nuclear Family
What could be more dangerous than being sucked into a 1950's housewife stereotype where the woman must be perfectly coifed, made up, and aproned for her daily chores? "Dangerous?" you ask. "No, dull!" you exclaim. But we say nay—what could possibly be dull with the ever-present possibility you will go postal on the unappreciative, slobassed bastards who you call family until they are dead? Then, at least, you could hide the bodies in your bomb shelter. And who will look best after the radioactive fallout leaves us all with fifteen eyes and a mullet? The girl with the best tea apron on the block, that's who.
Difficulty
Boy Scout Dropout
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.
Finished Measurements
14.75" W x 8.75" H, excluding ruffle trim.
Download
Nuclear Family chart (pdf format)
Materials
- 0.5 yard of monk's cloth
- white thread
- 10 yards worsted weight yarn in each color: pink, yellow, and purple (example uses Caron Simply Soft in Soft Yellow, Soft Pink, and Orchid)
- 4 yards of eyelet trim 2.5" wide or wider
- tapestry needle
- sewing machine
Gauge
1 stitch is 2 threads wide and 2 threads high.
Directions
Section 1:
Sew a line of stitches around the outer perimeter of the monk's cloth. This will keep it from turning into one giant raveled mess when you prewash the fabric. You absolutely must prewash the fabric or your apron will look like utter dog shit. Admittedly, my dog's feces has never been pastel, but yours will be if you don't prewash the fabric.
After you have washed and dried the fabric, it will have shrunk significantly. Now see aren't you glad you went ahead and bought half a yard?
Choose a spot on the monks cloth and begin cross stitching. Following the chart, stitch purple hearts, a pink skull, yellow hazard symbols, and blue moons. Wait, no, that last bit is from the Lucky Charms I had for breakfast this morning - and if you followed the directions, you won't have bought any blue yarn for this project anyway. Suckers.
Download: Nuclear Family chart
After you have finished the cross stitching, you will need to secure the monks cloth on all sides with rows of stitching to prevent unraveling. On the left and right, do two columns of stitches right next to the half hearts. On the bottom, do two rows of stitches about 1.5 inches down from the bottommost rows of cross stitch.
On the top, repeat the step used for the bottom. Trim to within an inch of all these lines of stitching, creating something that actually looks like a nice small apron.
Now whip out the eyelet trim and stitch it along the edges of the half hearts on one side, down across the rows of stitching on the bottom, and back up the other side, staying right on the edge of the half hearts. Take the remaining strip of eyelet trim, center it across the top with the eyelets pointing upwards, and sew across the top edge of the apron. This last bit serves as the ties for the apron as well.
Now go serve some tea, bitch. Don't you know a woman's place is in the kitchen?
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