Melankalia Stambaugh (photo)

Zucchero Jitter

Fudge is evil. No, seriously it is. It is tooth achingly sweet, completely addictive, and will make you puke if you eat more than a tiny bit. Not to mention the inevitable familial fight to the death over the last piece in any given batch.

It's evil. Completely. And this one is even worse than normal.

I'd advise you to turn away now.

by Melankalia Stambaugh

Suggested Listening

"Sugartime" [Kennedy Remix]
by Johnny Cash

Difficulty

Burnin' Bacon
Click here for definitions of difficulty levels.

Download

Sorry, no downloadable recipe PDFs for this issue.

Ingredients

You Will Also Need

• Food processor
• Cheesecloth
• Candy thermometer
• Hand mixer (optional)
• Large bowl of ice water (for safety!)
• Small bowl of ice water (optional, for soft ball testing)

Chef's Notes

Regarding safety.....fudge is very, very dangerous. No, this is not a reprisal of my fudge is evil spiel, so listen up. Until it settles into its inert (cooled and firmed) state, it is very similar to lava in that it's about a trillion degrees and actively trying to burn/kill you. Melankalia's Rules of Fudge decree that there shall be no pets, kids, or distractions in the kitchen, and most importantly you will keep a large bowl (big enough to at least partially submerge a burnt arm) filled with ice and cold water near at all times.

The AntiCraft assumes any well stocked kitchen to have certain things on hand. (Click for our basic kitchen items list)

Makes about 64 one inch square pieces.

Directions

Place the chocolate covered coffee beans in a food processor and pulse just until broken, approx 20 seconds. Pour the pieces into a small bowl and refrigerate until ready to use.

Butter an 8"x 8" glass baking pan and set aside.

In a 4 quart saucepan, over medium heat, take the milk to just beyond scalding (right to the point where it bubbles up alarmingly), and remove from heat. Stir in the ground espresso, cover and let steep 7 minutes. Strain through cheese cloth (some grounds will come through, this is okay), and rinse any remaining milk solids or grounds from the pan. [You can also strain this through a 2qt french press—but very slowly and über-carefully, as hot liquids erupt dangerously if the plunger is depressed too quickly. It worked GREAT. -Ed.]

Pour the coffee milk mixture back into the saucepan, add sugar, and bring it to a boil over medium heat. Stir only as needed to prevent sticking. When it begins to really bubble and foam, turn the heat down to medium-low and cook until a small amount of the mixture dribbled into cold water forms a soft ball (approximately 6 minutes or once it reaches 234°F/112.22°C). [We believe the “soft ball” method to be notoriously unreliable. Use of a candy thermometer is highly recommended. -Ed.] Remove from the heat and carefully stir in cubed butter.

At this point, you have two choices: you can do what nearly everyone has heard from their grandmas over the years and pull out the wooden spoon and stir until your arms fall off, or you can go with the lazy bitch method and whip out the hand mixer. Guess which method I prefer? Heh. Keep the mixer at its absolute lowest speed, and always remember that you are working with what is essentially edible lava. Mix (or stir) until it starts to thicken and become granular. When it begins to pull away from the sides of the pan as the mixer blades pass by, it is done.

Pull out the chilled choco-coffee pieces and stir in as quickly as humanly possible. The object is the get the pieces embedded before much of the chocolate melts. Immediately pour into the prepared baking dish and let cool at least four hours (overnight is better), before cutting into chunks.

Fudge will stay nummy for about 2 weeks if kept in a tightly closed container.

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